It’s dangerous to rely on non-verbal cues or mind reading to tell a guy you’re OK with oral sex (giving and receiving) and making out on the couch but you do not want to go all the way, as did the woman who called herself “Grace” in the story about her date with Ansari. 2) If and when you do go to his place, or yours, set up a “rescue call or text” later that night.Speaking up is difficult but there is no better time than this #Me Too moment for women to find their voices, not just to expose real predators who sexually harass and assault women, but overly zealous men, as the Babe article portrays Ansari to be, who may think “yes” to a date at his place automatically means “yes” to sex. This gives you an excuse to leave quickly, if needed. 3) And, of course, if things get totally out of control, try to stay calm, speed-dial 911, then fight like hell to get away.Ansari released a statement saying that the sexual encounter “by all indications was completely consensual” and that he was “surprised and concerned” when he heard that “it wasn’t the case.” A guy once told me: “This is our second date. That’s the rule.” I was shocked but at least he was honest. I wrote a column in 2013 advising my college-age son to get a text message from women to indicate they had consensual sex.Just in case, as in the Ansari story, the woman goes home feeling violated because he failed to read her non-verbal cues.Most of the pundits who weighed in called it bad sex or worse, but not anything violent or criminal.Grace herself disagreed; she told that “after a really long time,” she came to view the experience as assault rather than mere awkwardness.Sex that everyone’s excited about because everyone’s pleasure is equally important.
Here’s to yummy, mutual dirty times, flirting that’s actually fun for both parties and sex that feels great because no one’s afraid or erased.
Which is why it’s actually just as culturally significant — it opens up the conversation of everyday sexual interaction, bringing out the nuances of consent and of male/female desire. You can imagine what’s a more productive conversation to have with my son: “Hmmm, best not to drug and rape your date” or “Make sure you’re looking for a verbal or non-verbal ‘yes’ every step of the way.” So dating in 2018 — I’d go by “yes,” “no” and “it’s complicated. It’s the idea that you’re checking in with each other verbally and non-verbally, making sure you both are into it. It’s not a slow-down-so-we-can-start-right-back-up sign. It’s a sign that you check in, ask your partner where they are at and what they’d like. Imagine spending more time getting to know each other, engaging in much more foreplay.
Imagine that the woman gets as much time as she needs to understand and explain what pleasures her (sometimes one thing works for her and sometimes it doesn’t and that’s OK).
And if your partner doesn’t think that’s sexy, say goodbye.
Roxanne Jones, a founding editor of ESPN Magazine and former vice president at ESPN, has worked as a producer, reporter and editor at the New York Daily News and The Philadelphia Inquirer.